Raw Fish and Pool Sticks

Last night was my first date with Johnny. He happened to be staying at a hotel right down the street from my house, which worked out well because the sushi place he picked was about a two minute drive. He was actually much cuter in person than in his pictures, not that he was bad looking in those, but I was pleasantly surprised. I've always said that sushi would be a bad first date food, and it turns out I was right. First of all, no one looks attractive shoving a giant piece of roll into their mouth...and it's not like you can opt for a smaller bite. Plus, it takes forever to get through a piece, which means you have to sit there and chew before you can continue the conversation. He seemed to enjoy asking me a question at the exact moment I would stick food in my mouth. We ended up staying there for a couple of hours. Right before we left the people at the table next door started talking to us. It was two older couples, who very quickly asked if it was our first date and if we had met on the internet. They then went on to say that we would have really cute kids. After dinner we went across the street to a bar to shoot some pool. I'm a pretty decent pool player, but for some reason my skills diminish with alcohol. At this point I had had a few glasses of wine and then was drinking lemon drops at the bar. We played 5 games, and I somehow managed to win 2 of those. We stayed there until almost midnight, which is way to late for me to be out on a school night...but it does explain why I feel so outstanding today...or like 10 lbs. of monkey poop in a 5 lbs. bag.

Oh a creepier note, today as I was walking into work I had a call on my cell from a restricted number. I answered because I assumed it was my grandma, who think it is necessary to block her number. Nope. I am a member of Mensa, and I have a profile on their website (which only members can view). It's just basic info, name, age, email, phone number, picture, etc. Some member was apparently using the Mensa directory as his own personal dating site. He said he had been to a few events and hadn't met anyone interesting, but that I look like I would be fun (what exactly does fun look like?). I was totally caught off guard. I told him I was just walking into work and he said he would call me back tonight. I told him to just email me instead (soooo easy to press delete). I could tell from his voice that he was older. And creepy. Yucky.

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I apologize for being a little late on updating this...since I know that soooo many of you are waiting anxiously to hear how my dates have gone :)

The Good
Tonight I had my second date (although I'm not sure you could call the first meeting a date) with Golf. He worked until 5 and had a work thing he was supposed to go to at 7, so we decided to just meet up for a glass of wine. Work ran late and we didn't meet until 7 or so. He seems like a rally cool guy. Not sure how much of a long-term type person he is, but I am definitely interested in hanging out with him some more. We ended up staying at the restaurant until about 9:45. He checked the time on his phone once and his boss had called him three times. The work thing he was supposed to be at was a barbecue, so he said it was fine if he was late. Anyway, the night went really well. He is very easy to talk to and we actually have a lot in common. We haven't made any more plans, but talked about getting together again. It's hard with his schedule since he has to work weekends and during the summer only has one day off per week.

The Bad
Thursday night was my date with Flight. He lives about an hour away, so I offered to meet him in the middle. The town where we met is a very interesting place. And by interesting, I mean gross...lots of mullets and beer bellies. And probably meth. I ended up being fairly late (which I hate) because I missed the last exit in town, and the next chance to turn around is 15 miles away. Luckily the speed limit was 75 so I could go a little faster, but I was still over 20 minutes late. I did call and tell him as soon as I passed the exit, but I felt like an idiot. The date started off fine, just talking and catching up since it had been a month or so since our first date. It actually went pretty well until about half way through dinner when he brought up politics. Now, he describes himself as a conservative, so I figured it would be more of a friendly conversation. Nope. Turns out he isn't as conservative as he thought, and by the end of the heated debate discussion, he told me that I have convinced him that he is actually a democrat. Ooops. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally up for a good debate, but not for almost an hour, and not on a date. By the end of it I was just sort of irritated and ready to leave. Will I hang out with him again? Yeah, if he asks, but I'm honestly not sure he will.

The Ugly
I am prefacing this email by saying what I am about to tell you is 100% true. Last night I got home and checked my myspace. I saw a message from a random person (with no picture). The subject was this:

"Wow. Want 500 cash?"

I was thinking it was some money making scheme. I was so wrong. I opened the message and this is what it said:

"I AM STAYING IN THE AREA CAN I C U?"

That's right, I have officially been solicited. Happy days are here again.

I love it when they respond

Retard from my last post actually responded to my email. This is what he said:

"ooooooh. Maybe I should have been more specific...Have you any lady friends who are attractive and athletic like yourself, whom would enjoy an evening with several well-behaved and attractive young men? I guess you could bring one guy as long as he wouldn't kick our asses and stuff."

Does he really think I didn't understand what he was getting at the first time around? I should show up with a couple girls and find some giant bouncer-type guy to bring along. That would be fun. Sometimes it's fun to see people squirm. :)

It's been a while...

...since I've had a retard post...but the match boys have pulled through and managed to provide us with some entertainment. Here is the email I just received:

"pretty girl. my friends and I will be in your area in two weekends. you should join us. your friends should join us too. we'll cook. you'll drink and smell good."

My response?

"Sure, I'd love to...most of my friends are guys though, would you like them to smell good as well?"

The saddest part is that he will probably find some skanky friendly girls to take him up on that offer. Oh well.

Tonight I finally met up with Golf. Did I mention he's 6'2? Oh, he is. He gave me such a good golf lesson that I was sort of confused as to whether it was a date or a golf lesson (on a side note, he was very impressed with my skills...raw talent, what can I say). Afterwards we talked for a while by our cars. We talked about meeting up for a real game of golf sometime. As I drove away, I was trying to figure out exactly what was going on, if he was really just a nice guy giving a golf lesson, or if he might be interested in something more. I texted him when I got home to thank him again...he wrote back and suggest we meet up for drinks sometime. Yay! So, looks like we are meeting on Saturday evening. He totally isn't my type, which is sort of what makes it so fun...don't get me wrong, he's super cute, but not what I generally go for. If you met him on the street you would think he was a guitar player in a punk band. I know, hot! I know certain loyal readers of this blog will appreciate that...

Retard #3504983259

Remember the retard from this post? To recap, he sends out very long emails to girls on match and, in them, says how much he likes sex. I know, charming. Well, since he sent me that message a month ago, I have received two identical emails from him....which I guess is slightly better than the "Obviously you didn't get my email because I have not received a response" emails that I get sometimes. So I decided to respond to this guy in an effort to get off his mailing list. Here is what I said:

"Just wanted to let you know I've received this same email from you three times over the course of a few weeks. Any person who mentions sex in an introductory form email really isn't my type. Good luck with your search."

I wasn't trying to be rude, I just wanted to tell him blatantly that I'm not interested, and why. This is the response I got from him:

"no problem, any one who is prudish about sex and has a problem with sex is not my type. good luck to you."

Okay, are we so far gone as a society that what I said makes me a prude? I mean don't get me wrong, I am a prude, but this guy doesn't know that...and has no reason to believe that based on what I said to him. I would be very interested to find out how many girls he actually manages to go out with...

Wow

At least I don't have to deal with guys like this...yet:
Some Loser Douchbag's Phone Messages

Tempting, but no

I am receiving a lot of random myspace messages since switching my status to single...here is one gem I got from someone names "Stevo." Oh, and his profile says he's 17:

"we should have sex"

Yep, that's it.

And again...

First of all, let me start by apologizing for turning this blog into more of a chronicle of idiots than an actual dating journal, but until I'm better, this will have to do. I would also like to say that pneumonia is an excellent diet, I've lost about 6 lbs in a week, enough so someone at work actually noticed. I'm sure it's not the healthiest looking weight loss (not that dark circles around the eyes aren't attractive, I mean look at Kate Moss), but seeing how my 10 year high school reunion is on Saturday, I'll take what I can get.

And now, for the suitor of the day...this guy sent me one email. One. And this is an excerpt from it:

"I also enjoy running 2 miles M-F before work and then doing some pushups and situps. Love the getting the blood pumping in the morning. I am easy going, love to socialize and have fun. I love sex and am a very sexual person."

Um, excuse me? I mean, at least buy me dinner before telling me that you are an a-hole!

Is this guy for real?

I woke up to this email from match:

"Subject: You have a very beautiful picture.

i am a 46 year old guy i have a nice house and truck i am support manager for a retail store. looking for a good girl that will work and help pay bill and that likes to have fun."

Please tell me this guy is joking! Please?

Oh so hot...

So all of the winners are email me from match. I just got an email from a guy whose screen name is RenoMiniCooper. He mentions in his profile how much he loves his Mini and that its name is Rico. I'm sorry, but unless you're a 16 year old girl, naming your car is sort of gay. Not to mention that the car in question is a Mini. So no, I don't think I will be emailing him back.

Taking a break

In my previous post, I mentioned I was having some medical problems and parts might have to be taken out. Come to find out I have pneumonia...so it looks like I won't be dating any time soon. I am still emailing Slot on a regular basis, and we will probably go out once I'm better. I did get another wink from the 61 year old who describes himself as a "great lover," so that's encouraging.

Little Tidbits

So you could all fully understand what I'm dealing with, here are some excerpts from Psycho's profile:

"Who would I like to meet?
Of course I enjoy the company of those of like mind and disposition. But my perfect woman? In a word, I'm looking for "candela." I'm after a quick-witted and gracious woman, who is emotionally-viscerally-cognitively connected, engaged and composed. She is inquisitive, vibrant, sophisticated (in all the best ways), and optimistic."
--If anyone knows what a candela is, please leave a comment...google search results in something about lasers.

"I also have an abiding penchant for smart, confident, and hard-headed women - no wallflowers for me. I love tough and discerning women who are self-assured enough not to be overly pretentious, impolite, dismissive, or inconsiderate: a rarefied woman with so much confidence, poise, spunk, and intrepidness that she simply radiates - like a supernova!! "

"Of course, you can't be mean, overly negative, myopic (intellectually or philosophically), or unable to trust and be trusted. So if you're thoughtful, gracious, and possessed of a certain generosity of spirit, then I'm sure I'll find you endearing and our time together pleasant enough."
--This guy uses more adjectives than anyone I know.

"My ethnicity: Race and Ethnicity are psycho-socio-fictions, and have little meaning or predictive significance, and if even if they did, ethnic purity is historic/mathematic/genetically impossible. "
--Just say you are white and get over yourself.

"Favorite things:

In no particular order:
A well-prepared meal, on a warm sunny afternoon
Fresh Air
Altitude
Real Communication
Sharing a moment of honest laughter
Wise words
Original and innovative music that isn't self-gratifying pseudo-virtuosic nonsense"

--Aww, so you won't be going to a Wheezer concert with me? So sad...

"Last read:

Today: Federal Administrative Procedure Act, The Trib (aka. the Chicago Tribune), Books on International Taxation and Natural Law Jurisprudence.
Avocationally: History, Historical Fiction, Philosophy, Satire (political and otherwise)."

-Excuse me for a second, I can't type while I'm laughing uncontrollably about how much of a tool you are!

Yes, he replied!

Continued from the previous post...psycho guy actually responded to my email:

"Just to clarify, since you asked me to "Please tell me how my profile is negative." Here are a few examples of statements in your profile that are definitively negative, dismissive, or just curt:

"Liberal propagandists need not apply."
"If you can't handle that we'll never work out."
"[I]s chivalry dead?"
"Looks are important and anyone who says otherwise is kidding themselves."
"Absolute date breakers would be if the guy was rude, crude, or cheap."
"Also, I just wanted to say upfront that I am not looking to date someone with kids, sorry."

Further, and I don't mean to insult you by saying this, the overall tone of your profile is rather shrewish, and my impression is that you define your "match" by watch you dislike or do not desire, rather than by what you do.

And even what you do say you want, you say in an unnecessarily discourteous manner that is plainly off-putting. Regardless, here is what you say you want, line by line:
A Conservative Republican, conversationalist who can handle your "opinionated" nature, is not an arachnophobe, is intelligent, funny, likes Dr Laura, is well-mannered, generous, attractive (at least to you), is honest and forthright about his feelings, and is currently childless.

Well, that's FINE; all perfectly reasonable desires which, for the most part, I share. I just think you go about communicating those desires in an unnecessarily negative, dismissive, and mandatory way. And it that all you want? Surely there are other subtle qualities that you like and desire in a man other than these. You are obviously bright, so I doubt that you "don't really know what else to say." Perhaps you fear revealing these desires, as we all do, we must ourselves vulnerable in many ways by doing so. Indeed, "sometimes what you think you want and what you actually want is quite different." But what you think is all you have, however ill-conceived or mistaken. That's all I was saying."

I am going to start a contest here...everyone post a comment with their response to this jerk, and I will send the winner's to him...I'm too much in shock to respond on my own. I mean it's a dating profile, not a novel- if you don't keep these things short, sweet, and to the point, people won't read it...any hackers out there who can go into his account and see how many responses he's received? :)

A Gold Star for the Psycho

Today marks an important day...I have received my first psychotic response from someone off match! Yay! Oh, wait...
I have had many winks/emails from weirdos, but they are harmless. Until now, I never had any really weird, off the wall emails that someone took time and effort to write. Here's the story...

Today I had a message from a guy on match, so I checked out his profile. He seemed fairly normal except that his profile is really, really long...and not long and breezy, I'm talking long and painful like an academic journal on the fertility of bees or something. Now, being somewhat sarcastic, I replied:

"Well, you emailed me about 12 hours, and it took me that long to read your profile...whew!"

Normally, I would receive a response that would be equally joking in nature. Nope, not this guy. Here is his response:

"Is reading so terribly hard for you? Twelve hours?!? It took me only 37 seconds. Perhaps you should have stopped reading when the words got too difficult to sound out.

I read your profile a few times and, though you seemed interesting to me, I suspected that you might not be a very nice, positive or upbeat person; there is hardly a single light-hearted sentiment to be found in your entire profile, only negativity, mandates, and dismissiveness, which suggests that you are indeed "opinionated," but rather in all the worst ways. Perhaps you should change your tack, brighten things up a bit (in your profile and in your general approach to meeting new people), and you may meet with more success."

I am stunned. Really. Wow. I mean seriously, what a jerk! Of course I just had to respond:

"Wow, wasn't expecting that...the thing about your profile was a joke...it's called sarcasm...It was nice to see someone who actually took time to fill out their profile, and that's what I was trying to say. Perhaps lightening up a little will help you be successful in your search.
That is also a very interesting take on my profile. I don't really see what you are talking about, but I do know, based on your response, that you are unlikely to see humor in any form other than knock-knock jokes. Please tell me how my profile is negative; I would really like to know, since the other hundreds (yes, hundreds) of people who have emailed/winked at me have never said anything about it. In fact, most compliment me on what I have said and offer their bug-killing services and such. I guess you will not be one of them..."

It's really weird this guy is single, don't you think? Marwiio is looking better and better every day...

Myspace or yours?

Ever since changing my relationship status to "single" on myspace, I have been getting a lot of messages and friend requests from random guys. Here is one such example (wonderful spelling and grammar):

"u are Beauteous female and i could see just from the pic that u have a very good heart.lol dont ya have difficulty in knowing the right guy and a guys intentions because of ure immense beauty.....U know i have a gift,, where i can see persons heart just by the pics. Its just wonderous that u have both. any ways hope god finds ya best of luck and clear horizons."

Keep in mind this is about 1/10th of this guy's email...he sent me a follow up a few days later, concerned that I hadn't received is first message, since I hadn't replied. Yeah, that's why I didn't send a response.

One thing about the town I live in is although the population is over 200,000, it is a really "small" town. By small, I mean you run into the same people all the time....like the guy who saw me at a bar and recognized me from match.com. Yes, that is weird. Anyway, yesterday I get a message on myspace from another seemingly random guy. Turns out it's a guy who works at a place the ex and I used to go to regularly...without giving away where he works, let's just say it is the equivalent to manager at a restaurant or something like that, but the kind who wanders around and greets every guest. So he mentioned that he hadn't seen us there lately and I told him that the ex and I are no longer together. He then proceeded to tell me the following:

"WOW...he is absolutely NUTS......the first time you walked into the room.....I told my boss (my best friend)..Steve..I said WOW...she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen..I'm not kidding either..you are GORGEOUS........"

Needless to say, I don't think I will be returning to that establishment any time in the near future. At this rate, I am going to end up not being able to go anywhere in this town...